** WARNING: If you wrote "Jesus is my homeboy" for your religion on Facebook, this post is probably not for you.**
Saturday was my first official day of veganism. I went to Bikram SP for the 10am class, and came home and ate Kashi GoLean Crunch with strawberries, blueberries, and almond milk. Actually delicious. Grandmama was in the hospital, so I brought my mama a veggie sandwich from ABC (and got myself some vegan veggie soup and a fruit salad). Naturally, I was still starving after that, but we had to go to the Corn Roast in Sherwood. Fun as it was to stand in the blistering heat while smelling hamburgers cooking and trying to avoid talking to
everyone there, I left early. For dinner, Alec and I went to Chipotle (the realization that Chipotle is vegan was the best part of my day) and it was delicious.
Sunday was a little more exciting. Highlights include . . .
- falling asleep during 10am yoga
- buying (and then consuming, almost simultaneously) vegan ice cream
- adventuring in Whole Foods
- having a 10 minute conversation with a Mormon missionary on my cell phone. Really.
As we all know, Sunday is the Lord's day. For this reason, I had decided on Saturday night I would not be going to yoga on Sunday (lie. I was too lazy to get out of bed. Was it Lil Wayne's b-day? No. Ergo, not the Lord's day). Anyway, I went to yoga because that's what I do - I can't stay away - and naturally fell asleep during the first
savasana. Waking up to spine strengthening series = not fun.
I then stumbled home in a blissful exhaustion. I heart Bikram. Almost at the exact moment as I got out of my shower back at home, my phone rang. It was an "801" number that I didn't recognize. A Mormon missionary was on the other end. I now know that "801" is the area code for Utah. And begin . . .
The missionary began by telling me that one of my dearest friends had recently visited the temple, and left them my name. Okay, that sounded legit. I love said friend, so decided to give this woman a chance. But then they were spoken: the dreaded words . . .
"Do you know how much God and our Savior Jesus love us?"
Um . . . no. I bet you're one of those people who capitalizes pronouns, aren't you? Jesus was a man. It's "he," not "He." Oh this is gonna be fun.I don't actually say this because I am very zen and loving after suffering through 90 minutes of hot yoga, and instead I tell her that I've heard about her religion and I love certain aspects of it (actually a true fact). I say I like studying all religions and their texts just like I like a good novel. I don't think she got the hint. So she continued.
"Well that's great. Jesus loves you very much and will always be there for you."
Weird. I don't recall him saying anything about that when I met him. Oh wait . . ."And we have lots of missionaries in your area . . ."
Ohhhh shit.
"So if you give me your home address, they can come over and talk to you some more about the LDS church."
Silence as I contemplate my next move. But before I can say anything . . .
"Do you already have a Book of Mormon?"
I have an action figure Jesus. Except I actually say this one out loud. I don't think she appreciates my family's Jesus action figure as much as we do.
"Okay . . . [tentative pause]
So if you give me your home address, I will make sure that our missionaries come over and talk to you some more about this and about God's love for all of us."
Woah, bold statement. I think you meant almost all people. I recall LGBT people being on the shit list. You know what? I'm actually going to be abroad next semester so I won't even be around. I wouldn't bother if I were you.
"Oh really? Where will you be?"
They don't have Mormons in France, do they? Um . . . France? I say.
"Great! Do you know you address there?"
Oh dear atheist-equivalent-of-Christ, is she serious?!?!So I thanked her for the call, wished her a beautiful day, but stated that I was happy, fulfilled, and comfortable in my life of sin.
IMPORTANT: I meant it when I said that I find aspects of Mormonism beautiful. I feel this way about all religions. I don't mean to put anyone down, discredit anyone's beliefs, or group all people of one religion together. I don't mean that all Mormons hate LGBT people; I mean that the
official stance of the Church is that gay is unnatural. And, well, that's just false.
Not giving all people the equal opportunity to love is what is unnatural.In conclusion, Whole Foods is better than sex, and my house doesn't have electricity.
The End.